Six months since I excitedly sat down to write here. Six entire months. Last time I was here, I told you all how excited I was that I was finally feeling better about life in general. I was feeling more and more like myself each day and returning to what I love sounded like a really good plan. So I wrote, and I explained a bit about needing a break. I hit publish and I enthusiastically told Jake about what I’d done. He was proud and we started our day. That was Friday, July 13th around 1 pm here in Indiana.
It was only 2 hours later Jake and I were sitting on our bed, talking about nothing probably, when his phone rang. He looked and it was a call from Wenatchee, Washington- which wasn’t so weird because of all the spam calls we’re getting lately. We assumed it was nothing, but I do have family there, so I told him to answer it. Sometimes I still wish he hadn’t answered that phone call, I have wished that we had gotten a few more minutes without that news- that experience of life altering words said on the opposite end of a telephone. Literally everyone’s worst fear. He answered the phone and it was my aunt. His face went completely white and he just stared at me while she spoke.
I mouthed to him: “Is it my mom?” and he just nodded. I will never forget his face. It was an expression I had never seen in our ten years together. He looked pained and like he wished he could turn time around or shield me from what was about to happen. My mom had died. Suddenly. Completely unexpectedly. She was sick with a disease called Scleroderma. But we didn’t know it was so serious. I don’t think any of us did, and if we did no one said anything. She never let on to me that she was afraid she was dying. I knew she was hurting and tired but I was about as unprepared for my mom dying as a person could possibly be.
It has taken me all of this time to come back here and figure out how to move forward. I decided a long time ago when I wrote about the affair that honestly and transparency were best, no matter how hard. So I just closed my computer, and I didn’t come back for a long time. There was no pretending, or compartmentalizing things. I let everything rest and I tried to learn how to grieve my mom.
When I did finally decide that this is what I love to do, and that I wanted to keep doing it, it was mid-November. I had no idea how to return, and I didn’t know what my next post would be but recently I heard a quote on Grace and Frankie and kind of fell in love with it. Frankie said “Sometimes we say the things we need to hear”. That’s where this title came from. A lot of times I have no really direction when I sit down in this space to write. But many times, the end result is something I needed to hear.
Really until about a week ago I hadn’t decided what I was going to share, and what I would keep to myself. Again with the truth and transparency debate. I decided I would share everything. In part because she deserves a million blog posts written about her, and because maybe this will help me somehow.
So, this is where we are. I am stepping back into these shoes, pulling myself up by my bootstraps and while I am worried I have to start from ground zero, I do have a good feeling. Truthfully, I am upset that I let it go in the first place. Right now, I’m just a lot of things. But if you are patient with me, I think we will get back to where I was July 13th at 1 in the afternoon. Until then, I will just keep showing up for you and for myself and see what happens.