I wont even start this blog post off apologizing for my absence because it wouldn’t be sincere. The facts are, I needed a serious break. Not a week off, not a month- I needed an open-ended, unknowable amount of time to breathe and think. I spent a lot of time getting back to a mindset where I didn’t feel like all I was doing was healing. The last time I really leveled with you all was when I wrote about the affair. After that the real work began. I had no idea what I was in for. Writing that series, I truly thought I was mending something in me, and I’m sure on a level I was. But the hard, nasty and thick parts were still to come for me. I had no idea.
The last 11 months have been hell for me mentally. I have painfully worked through nightmares, not sleeping through the night, paranoia and general sadness and I finally feel like I’ve reached that pesky level of acceptance that I so badly wanted a year ago. I feel like my anxiety is finally at a manageable level. I feel good. I haven’t felt good in so long, guys. I have had good moments, but those were always interrupted by a voice in my head that so enjoyed reminding me of my betrayal. I never thought I’d get here.
It feels a lot like coming home. Sort of like hugging a friend you haven’t seen in a long time. Perhaps one you thought you’d never see again. This place feels warm and familiar and a little like I can do anything I want to do. Even in a time where things are a little uncertain (more on this next post), I feel mostly positive and light. I can’t describe the amount of relief this gives me. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life on autopilot, just surviving and getting through my days. It made me feel like the worst kind of mom, it made me feel like a giant burden to Jake and generally like a giant failure. So getting through it, while it took me what felt like an eternity, has been worth it.
I find myself wondering “now what” to myself a lot. I thought long and hard about even coming back here. I have let all of it just sit and shrivel up and I wasn’t sure there was much left for me here. But I’m going to try and rebuild, rejuvenate and get this community to a lively, happy place again. After all, it always existed to bring you all encouragement through my story, and I still want to do that very much. I want to come home to this space as well. It is a pretty large part of my identity and I’m not ready for a permanent goodbye just yet.
I hope if you are getting this in your inbox and think uhh she’s alive? or you see me coming up for air on social media, you will stop by and say hello!